That's not mine!

“That’s not mine!”

These words have echoed through my house this past week numerous times.  I hear it most frequently when reminding those who live with me to help keep the house picked up.  Well, today I had enough.

I wanted to scream.  I realized at this particular moment that this was a disconnect in our family, and I had a chance to fix it.  I want my children to feel loved and to feel like they belong in our family.  Part of being in a family is participating in family activities, fun AND not-so-fun.  It’s hard enough being a “blended” family and not having half of us half the time as it is, but to make separations between what’s mine and what’s yours when our family needs all of us to participate in something is divisive.  We love each other.  We belong to each other.  We help each other.  We need each other.

I took a breath, and replied, ”I’ve been hearing that a lot lately, but it doesn’t matter who made the mess.  We are a family, and we have to take care of each other.  Sometimes that includes cleaning up after someone else.”

There was no retort, no protest, not even a smart remark – just a little bit of a sigh before that particular little person got busy picking up the mess, and this particular mom knew that connection / belonging / trust was present.

This family is mine.

Imaginary Life

Today's essay in Sarah Ban Breathnach's A Simple Abundance asks the reader to explore who (s)he would be in another life and connect it to reality.  Brené Brown talks about the hyphenated life in The Gifts of Imperfection; Daniel Pink says "We are our story" and discusses connecting diverse and/or separate disciplines as a "Boundary Crosser" in A Whole New Mind.  So, as I walk the path of authenticity, it appears important to examine who I want to be as well.

Who would I be?  Who is the imaginary me?  How do I tell that story?

In my imaginary life, I am a hair and makeup artist.  Famous?  Not sure, but what I am doing is creating and designing.  I guess you could call me an "Exterior Designer"©™ (which is actually quite funny seeing as my actual self is in the middle of exploring my "interior").  I work with my hands, with color, and with aesthetics.  I provide a service:  I help people feel and look beautiful.  I help people present the "self" they want to the world.  In my imaginary life, my clients leave happy.

Now my job is to connect this imaginary life to my real life.  What is the wannabe trying to say to the actual me?

My first thought is that I have a lot of pent up creativity.  I want to create.  I want to design.  Personal aesthetics appeal to me.  My second thought is that I want to help others.  I want to provide a service for people to help them feel good about themselves.  Acts of service is my co-dominant love language, and to show love for others, I do things for them.  My other dominant love language is quality time.  In my imaginary life, I have a specific time-frame in which I focus on and am doing something with/for someone else: quality time and acts of service.  (Quality time is a huge deal for me at the moment since in my actual life I am a working wife and mother of three boys.  I feel a time crunch every day, and I'm certain someone is left out, and most recently, I've begun to see that someone is me).

Speaking of time, my imaginary self is able to create her own schedule.  That is crucial because it is also important that you know that I am an introvert.  I recharge by having alone time.  It is not lost on me that my imaginary self finds fulfillment in an extroverted way.  My actual life mirrors my imaginary life in that respect.

Another realization that has been born out of this exercise is that, like many others, I define myself by my career.  Ever heard the question, "What would you do if money was no object?"  I have often related to the main character in the movie "Office Space" when he says "nothing."  But I know that isn't true for me.  If money was no object, I would be a SAHM.  I would put myself through cosmetology school and earn my license.  I would design and create for my family and for others.

Now begins the process of designing and creating in my actual life.  Living a hyphenated life.  Connecting seemingly separate and unrelated things and ideas.

Allowing authenticity through the aesthetic.

Oh, the irony

Author Brené Brown, Ph.D says that sharing your story with those who have not earned a seat at your table is an act of treason to your authentic self, yet here I am, posting/blogging for the world to see. I have kept written journals for years, so why am I making the transition to online? Why now? The major reason is my hands. In the past year I have injured both of them in some way, and it just hurts to hold a pen and write for any length of time.

As I mentioned in my last post, giving up Facebook had opened the door to awareness (A New Earth, Tolle) so how exactly is blogging, another online presence, going to allow for this transformation to continue? Am I exchanging one for another? Well, I am continuing to write at a designated time, just not by hand on paper.

Yes, I get the irony: I'm sharing my story with the online world at large, people I don't even know, so how am I honoring my story without sacrificing myself in the process? I guess that's what this is all about. Being vulnerable in a place that is the most anonymous of all.

Just putting it out there

Dear Lord, search my heart and see if there is any wicked way in me, and then, lead me on paths of righteousness. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

This prayer came from my daily Proverbs 31 email. The author's message compares a parenting experience with obedience and reverence to God. Yesterday, I watched Oprah interview Reverend Ed Bacon on "Super Soul Sunday" where he discussed prayer as a forum for allowing God to work through him, not as a way to ask for worldly things he might want.

I pray.  I pray, but I don't always listen.  So, as Lent approached, I began to pray about what "fast" the Lord wanted me to take.  I heard Him loud and clear: "Stay off Facebook."

Since giving up Facebook for Lent this year, you could say that I embarked upon a spiritual journey of my own.  What is a good an easy way to share with others became a way for insecurity and disconnection to pervade my life. I had become completely disillusioned with what is real and what is "show." I was missing out on my life because I was comparing it to the lives of others and then berating myself for not living up to what I saw others posting. I wasn't witty enough with a status, my kids and I weren't doing enough, I wasn't posting enough pictures, I wasn't cooking creatively, I wasn't sharing the right content, etc.

Calm, stillness, Spirit, vulnerability, deliberate, authentic, joy, wholehearted, awareness, Presence, connection, creativity, cultivate-these are my keywords du jour, de la semaine, du moment. Facebook was not offering me any of the above. Yet it wasn't until I removed myself from it that it became glaringly obvious. I was searching in the wrong place.

So I stepped back. For 40 days. And I didn't miss it! I didn't feel left out. I didn't feel "not good enough" or unworthy. I felt free. Once I got offline, I was truly able to connect with God and the people who are actually present in my life.

And that was what I had been searching for all along.  "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path." Psalms 119:105 (NLT)

Welcome to my journey of self-discovery.  I won't always get it right, but I am on the path.